* * *
A brief phone call with J today. She couldn’t stay on the phone long. Her phone is the Bang & Olufsen BeoCom 2, and due to it’s phallic shape she often feels a profound sense of overwhelming oppression and feels degraded whilst using it. She doesn’t wish to have it anywhere near her mouth (or her ear, for that matter). This is unfortunate, as I can’t hear a bloody word she’s saying. I did offer to swap her phone for mine but she declined my kind offer, not sure why.
At 6pm I arrived at the Womon Wymyn’s headquarters. The door creaked open slightly and J peered at me through the crack. ‘Password’, she hissed. ‘Anti-penis extremist’, I hissed back. J quickly ushered me into the room. A group of women sat around a table, at first glance they appeared to be surprisingly normal. They tried to smile, I tried to smile back. One of them gestured for me to sit down on a green plastic chair. I glanced around the room, it was pretty sparse, save for the posters of Andrea Dworkin, Valerie Solanas and Harriet Harman. One of the women pushed a sheet of paper in front of me. It said:
Welcome to Womon Wymyn
As a member you must agree to abide by our basic principles and core beliefs. These are non-negotiable under any circumstances. Even in the face of evidence to the contrary.
1. Each and every man conspires to oppress, degrade, and abuse woman. Yes there are men that don’t, but as they are a part of ’men as a group’, we can say that they do.
2. Occasionally, someone will point out that feminism is discriminatory, stating that it completely excludes, and refuses point blank to discuss, the problems that men face. These people are idiots. Roll your eyes to the ceiling, throw up your hands in mock horror and in a derisory tone, say ‘Oh yes, whattaboutthemenz’. And then refuse to talk about the menz, as whatever problems men face are not worthy of consideration. Any woman worth her salt knows this, and if they don’t, they’re misogynists, handmaidens, honorary men, completely thick or MRA’s. Obviously.
3. Accuse people of trying to silence you. Common silencing techniques used against us are breathing and being in the same room. This is important.
4. Employ RadiBabble. This confuses people, and you can extricate yourself swiftly from conversations in which they are making a valid point. If you have no idea what you’re saying, it doesn’t matter. The point is, neither will they. An example of RadiBabble is:
“I find this measure ridiculously discriminatory against pan-gender, genderfluid and non-binary people who are unrepresented. There’s a big difference between sex and gender which the patriarchy will never accept due to ignorance and oppression of people into gender roles.”
5. Statistics are a feminist’s friend. Use them as absolute statements of fact. Most people can’t be arsed to check the validity of statistics, and swallow them whole, therefore making them extremely useful. Make up your own ‘Femtistics’. No one will check your sources, don’t worry. In the highly unlikely event that that they do question your sources, suggest they ‘Google it later’. That way, at least you won’t be around when they discover you’re talking shit.
6. Use the term ‘PIV’ (penis in vagina) instead of ‘sex’. We need this clarification because if someone mentions the word ‘sex’ we become confused and think that people are talking about car maintenance, or Asda online shopping, or the situation in Gaza. We are working on the inclusion of the terms ‘PIM’ (penis in mouth), PIH (penis in hand), PIA (penis in arse), PIE (penis in ear), PIAMOH (penis in a man’s own hand), PISSD (penis in strange sexual devices) and WTFITPDIMCP (what the fuck is this penis doing in my cottage pie).
7. Say ‘the personal is political’. This essentially means that every last thing that has or is happening to you in your life is of absolute vital importance, of great interest and worthy of feminist analysis. This then has to be shared with the wider public, and they must be invited to agree with your findings. For example...
You wake up in the morning to discover that you are slightly stuck to your Dorma fitted sheet due to lying in the wet patch overnight. This is the personal part.
You then consider this. You have been inconvenienced. You may not have time to shower because you will be late for work. You are concerned that you smell of PIV detritus, and it may influence how close you stand to your colleagues and you feel uneasy. Your husband was responsible for your uncomfortable feeling at work because of his selfish desire to achieve orgasm. It’s his fault you cannot stand near your colleagues.
Your feminist analysis concludes that ’Wet patches are a form of patriarchal oppression, and all men seek to oppress women via their ejaculate’. This is the political.
8. Attribute people disagreeing with you to a ‘feminist backlash’. This will sound as though you are being prejudiced against by society and you will look like a victim. Hopefully then, the person who disagreed with you will feel sympathy towards you, and start agreeing instead.
9. Only ever use technical terms when describing female genitalia. Foof, minnie, lady garden, fanny, nether regions, lala and bits are unacceptable derogatory terms created by the patriarchy. Feel free to call a penis whatever you want, as it is the ultimate symbol of absolutely everything that is wrong with society (as a group). Rod of Destruction will do.
10. PIV is no longer a carefree, loving pastime. It is fraught with danger and oppressive symbolism. Consider giving up PIV altogether, it’s just too dangerous. If your husband is a decent man, he will understand and treat his penis with the contempt it deserves. He will, of course, be allowed to twiddle with your clitoris until either his tongue or hand drops off. This is a small price for him to pay, considering the trauma you experience every time you realise you have compromised your principles just by being in the same room as him.
And finally, every time you go to bed, repeat this mantra, ‘It’s not a lie if you believe it to be true’.
After I’d finished reading, I looked up at the women, each of whom expressed perpetually peeved interest in my reaction. ‘Well?’, said J. ‘I think I’m going to like it here’, I replied, frowning with pleasure.
Day 7 will be published next Monday. Be sure to come back then.
I have to thank the wonderful Mumsnet Radical Feminists for continuing to provide me with material. Without you, I would never have realised that such bigoted madness existed. You quite often ‘wave to the lurkers’, the people who read your words without commenting themselves. You state that even if the lurkers aren’t posting, they are reading and learning the ways of Radical Feminism. I agree, I have, and for that I am grateful.
Feminism? Not in my name.